I know I’ve not posted in ages, but the past few months have been sort of busy :/
I’ve managed to get a date for leaving hospital- I’ll be out on the 15th- but I just really need to rant at the moment to be honest.
It’s just that deciding to recover is probably the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I know that sounds completely pathetic, but the thing is, my eating disorder had been part of my life for four years. It was constantly on my mind even before it started to show physically.
It’s kind of hard to explain without writing an entire life story, but it was a way of blocking out the rest of the world. When literally ALL of your time and energy is spent on working out how to eat less, how to lose more, and how to make yourself even the slightest bit beautiful; It’s no longer possible to think about the future, or even the real world. I found it so much easier to hide away in my own little parallel existence.
I know that it sounds as though I’m being melodramatic, but honestly I’m not. It’s just that everyone around me seems to think that now that I’ve gained the weight and I’m eating it’s all over. But it’s not. It’s still a constant struggle. I’ve had to return to the real world after spending years not even considering the thought of having a future. I have to work my way through each day forcing myself to eat even though the thought of having food in my stomach repulses me, even though I repulse me. I have to debate with myself constantly, because if I don’t then I will be right back where I started within a few months.

Sorry for the self obsessed rant, it’s just so tiring how no one seems to understand- It’s not just the weight gain that I struggle with, it’s the way I have to leave behind something that became my entire life, and it’s the having to learn how to live again…

Sudden realization #1- I’m not going to have incense or candles.

#2- I desperately need an ipod, but I wont even be able to download music.

#3- People are going to see me without makeup.

#4- I really should have got my repeat prescription of the pill, my skin will be awful.

#5- I’m used to living in a valley, this place is going to seem incredibly flat.

#6- I should have taken some opportunity over the past few days to climb a tree.

#7- Hot baths are unlikely to be possible.

#8- Without the internet I am going to have to rely on my dad to buy me makeup.

#9- Will they let me have razors/ nail scissors?

#10- Caffeine withdrawal is going to be deadly.

Leaving in a few hours… Depressing how I’m basically getting shut away from the world on the first day of spring, but also somewhat fitting, spring being the time of new beginnings.

I know that this will be good for me; I’ve not had the energy to see people properly in months, my body is weak and close to collapse half of the time, my hair’s falling out, skin crumbling, and I just feel so damn cold all the fucking time.

But it just seems insane how quickly this is all happening. And the thought of gaining 2 stone in the space of four months is actually petrifying.

I’ve packed all my baggy tops, because I know that I’m probably going to detest my body for the time I’m there, and I know that I will bloat, because my body just won’t be used to it. For the past few months at least I’ve had an almost entirely liquid diet, so this is actually going to be physically painful.

Not to mention how alone and trapped I’m going to feel. No privacy, not even to have a nice hot bath, not even to go climb a tree, or sit and zone out to beautiful music. They’re going to be watching me at all times. I won’t be allowed on the internet, so no tumblr, and no contact with friends through Facebook or emails, because they seem to be under the impression that I’ll decide to go onto pro Ana sites… Which I wouldn’t, because it would make me feel like crap.

Sorry for the hopeless ranting, I’m just so fucking scared. And I’m going to miss every one so fucking much. They’ve all been there for me through so much… And now they won’t be able to be.

The thing I’m going to miss the most? Daily Hugs.